Why Consumer Electronics Brands Need a Valium

I'm going to preface this post with a disclaimer so you all know exactly what you're getting into here: I usually do not use my blog as a place to indiscriminately rant about a topic. Today, that's different. This post is going to be nothing more than a venting. However, it might just be entertaining.

I haven't written about it here but I recently purchased a snazzy new phone. I am an extremely difficult small electronics consumer in that I like to have the best, newest, most cool electronics but I am nervous about change, have an extremely picky aesthetic, and get easily overwhelmed by technology. I am, veritably, a dream date for consumer electronics brands. So when I started thinking about buying a new phone, I spent a month or two feeling uncomfortable (virtually breathing into a brown paper bag every time I thought about it) followed by more time being bratty about the plethora of non-options (I don't want to switch carriers, that one is too boxy, the Blackberry rolly ball makes my finger feel weird...). All I can say is that at least I own up to the difficulty here.

In the end, the phone I purchased is lovely. It's cute and efficient and intuitive and has nice shiny everything but is also fast and (I can't underscore this enough) WORKS WELL AS A PHONE! And, it doesn't come from either of the brands that I am about to wage blogger rant hatred upon now.

I'm sure you've all seen the new Droid commercials, the old Mac vs. PC ads, and the our phone is cooler than your entire life iPhone commercials. I get it, okay. All of these ads are meant to tell me just how cool and neat and worthy of coveting the various products are. And all I have to say is Ease the F*** up.

Do I want a sparkly princess phone? No, Droid, I do not. However, I'm not so interested in having a phone that cuts like a chainsaw through a banana or whatever the hell metaphor you used in that ad. I also don't want a phone that's sent to me from aliens and falls to the earth in pods only meant to scare the bejesus out of rednecks. I don't want people dancing around inside my phone. I don't want a bajillion cute little icons and no service. I don't want most of the things you're trying to tell me I want. I want a phone. That makes calls. And sends text messages. And can access the internet and my email. But will NOT give me the false security that my phone says anything about my worth as an Indie Rock Hipster, a Tech Geek, or a 17 year old boy. And to be honest, I'd much sooner hang out with John Hodgeman than that other guy anyhow.

I understand that men are overwhelmingly seen as thought leaders when it comes to consumer electronics but let's be honest with ourselves here. Women like to buy things - we're more likely to consume than men. And in the age of all encompassing connectivity, just as many women have phones and laptops (and cameras and portable music devices) as men. Trying aiming an ad at us for a change.

Want more ranting? Click here to read You Lie, Luke Wilson: The misleading new cell phone ads from AT&T and Verizon on Slate.com